I have spent the last four months in front of the computer in an attempt to "escape" or as the other part of my self feels "to just relax & stop being so austere with yourself" though i think its a mixture of the both. There needs to be balance and there is none right now, I yearn to be inspired to practice again with the passion I once had. A cleche' yes but there is that thing inside me saying "wait for better circumstances, wait for the ideal, wait, wait, wait you will know when the time is right! dont do anything you feel uncomfortable with. But underneath it all in the deepest reaches of myself I feel I am afraid to continue practicing, there is a deep rooted fear and im avoiding it, practice will in time bring that up. My spirit feels bad is it hurt? is it disagreeing, is it angry?? it reacts to any form of rejection, on some occasions im lucky enough not to come across any form of rejection in the day and I will most likely feel ok but if I do I will tend to feel weak, unwanted & undesirable for the rest of the day this often leads to even more confusion & desperation. I will continue to ask questions, I will not stop.
All the mistakes I made the night before are coming too me, im trying to let them be, but they are eating at me slowly. Alcohol doesnt work for me, it never has and never will. Im so fucking angry at myself for doing this again!, am I totally stupid or what! how many times do I need to put myself through this to realize that its never going to get me anywhere and doesnt even act as a temporary solution as I'm not even satisfied when I'm in the process of drinking. My father is an alchoholic, I have trouble forgiving him for some of the things he has done, but when I go out on the binge like this I am just as bad!. I cannot make this mistake again. It ends now.
I have a hangover and the pain is not as bad as it could be so I should feel grateful for that. Mind keeps attempting to get back into the negative mode but am passionately refusing today I havent got the time, though deep under it all is that voice that keeps wispering very subtley "Why dont you just end it now!". Would I end up in a worse place?. Is oblivion a sin and is it possible?. I just wanted to get on with something productive, the hangover I had prevented my brain from being able to process information of which was vital for me as I was in the process of learning something new.
The postman woke me this morning, he had my book on Actionscript. It was pleasant to start the day on such a positive note. One of my housemates came back about half an hour after and asked if I wanted to go and watch a football match at the pub, it was 10:30 and they didnt open for another 30 minutes. I knew he had the "binge" in mind and he couldnt of proposed this at a worse time. I wanted to get stuck into Actionscript and have a generally productive day. But due to residue that stills lays heavily of being rejected I couldnt find it in myslelf to refuse.
When I wake the pain begins. It seemed like a pleasent sleep. I cannot remember feeling this way in my dream. It must be something that I am doing mentally to trigger this vicious circle of negativity occuring in my mind. Am I interpreting this feeling falsely? is it really just part of who I am? though it seems so heavy! like an entity living from my very life source. Am I the only person feeling this way? I doubt very much. Why does my Doctor want to prescribe me Anti-Depressant pills?, does he have no compassion? or just a lack of understanding? even I know that solutions dont come in ready made packages. Maybe a screwdriver would be more effective.